Gym etiquette

Going to the gym is a funny thing. Until a few years ago, I wouldn't have contemplated going near a gym but, after some gentle persuasion from my wife (and some encouraging comments such as 'don't worry, that happens to everybody when they get a certain age'), I took the plunge and have been going to a gym fairly regularly since.

If anyone else is being made to feel guilty about not being fit enough, the gym's not as bad you think. I was terrified of lots of super-fit, muscle bound types making me feel inadequate. However, most people are like me - they're simply trying to ease their guilty conscience about eating or drinking too much.

In fact, the worse thing about going to the gym is their insistence on providing full length mirrors in front of the running machines; believe me, the last thing I want to see after a 20 minute run is my own sweating, purple reflection.

Anyway, the point of this very rambling introduction is to bring up the subject of how to behave in the gym. As a relative novice, I'm still learning but I've already observed a few rules for beginners that should be obeyed at all times.

Firstly, you must always try to avoid using the machine next to somebody else - you really don't want to be too close to somebody while you're exercising, it's just not nice.

Also, wear suitable clothing. This is a very important consideration but can be overlooked. Shorts that are just too, well, short are unacceptable. Also, and without being too graphic, beware of emblems on T-shirts as they can prove very painful after a 20 minute run (I'm speaking from experience here).

Thirdly, keep looking straight ahead when using the machines. Occasionally, something will catch your eye on one of the TV screens (invariably showing 'pop' videos aimed at teenagers) and you will, at best, stumble and at worst fall off potentially leading to serious injury. Also, looking round the gym while exercising invariably leads to eye contact - not a good thing.

Finally, and most importantly, always remember to use deodorant before visiting the gym. Believe me, exercising is a traumatic enough experience without having to put up with personal hygiene issues as well.

So there we are, my beginners guide to the gym. I doubt that exercise will ever be fun (fun is spending time with Melissa (soppy but true) drinking, eating and playing Pro Evolution on the Xbox) but by observing these rules it might at least be bearable.